His List
by anxious.soul
Summary: James Buchanan Barnes wasn't the only one with A List. A list of trigger words gifted to him by HYDRA. Anthony Edward Stark had A List. A list of trigger words his father had so kindly given him through years of verbal and physical abuse.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the Avengers**

 **Warnings: Implied/Referenced Past Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Past Sexual Abuse, Not Canon Compliant -Post-Avengers 2012 but doesn't follow the movies that come after.**

 **Cross-posted on my AO3 with a collage.**

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James Buchanan Barnes wasn't the only one with A List.

A list of trigger words _gifted_ to him by HYDRA.

Bucky's words were caused by HYDRA and programmed him into a mindless weapon.

Anthony Edward Stark had A List.

A list of trigger words his father had so _kindly_ given him through years of verbal and physical abuse.

Unlike Bucky, Tony didn't become a mass-murdering weapon. No. He just shut down. In the crowds of the public, his face was empty and blank. In the privacy of his haven known as his workshop, Tony broke down and let it all out.

 **—LINE BREAK—**

Face blank. Eyes emotive. He stared at them. A riddle of feelings rushing through him. Over there on the couch a healed Bucky, whose trigger words had become useless, sat laughing with Steve alongside the other Avengers; Bruce, Clint, Natasha and Thor. He looked down and watched his coffee swirl around in his mug. Gaze moved back to the happy group. The feelings intensified. He turned on his heel sharply and wandered back to his workshop.

Bucky had been found and Tony had helped the lost man as much as possible. He'd even given Bucky his B.A.R.F. technology, which Tony had essentially been creating for his own sanity and therapy. A good six months passed before Bucky was completely recovered, field-ready and officially accepted as an Avenger.

Down in his workshop, Tony sat in the corner of the room, his back against the car he was hiding behind as he grabbed a piece of paper. Surprise. Surprise. The futurist with handfuls of technology at his dispense referred back to the old ways of note taking. He opened the folded up piece of paper and looked at it with disgust. Rubbing pitifully at his eyes, trying to stop the gradual flow of tears that had started.

In his hand was his list.

 _Annoying_

Howard was always shouting for him to go away because he was annoying. The word was probably one of the words that Tony was most sensitive too. It didn't help that the Avengers usually told him to go away or shut up because he was annoying. At least they never said it in the same tone as Howard did though. But, also during school, everyone would say the exact same thing. It's no wonder that the word could make time freeze for Tony and make him break down.

 _Boy_

A seemingly innocent word. One that affected Tony no matter the tone it was said in. His father would rather call him 'boy' in a malicious tone than call him by his name. Obadiah, truthfully him calling Tony 'boy' was far worse. The man would say it lovingly, but it was creepy and there was always a glimmer in his eyes that freaked Tony out.

 _Failure_

That was a constant word in Howard's vocabulary towards Tony. The man would constantly tell him that he was a failure and that he'd never succeed in life. He'd go on to threatening to disinherit Tony, but they both knew it was a bluff as Howard couldn't afford to go through with it. Not that Tony cared about his father's money or business.

 _Pathetic_

"Stark men are made of iron, so stop crying". Tony couldn't help but be rather emotional as a youth before he learned to hide it behind layers of masks. Howard thought his emotions were pathetic and made it known.

 _Nothing and Useless_

Among his belittlement, Howard made Tony know he was both of these. He made sure to tell Tony. Made sure that his son thought of himself as nothing more. For a time, Tony believed him. Sometimes he still does.

 _Selfish_

Surprisingly, the way Howard used the word was as a compliment. "If you want something, you've got to be selfish and take it with force. You do that very well, boy." Yet, even though it was the one thing Howard had ever said as a compliment towards Tony, it was still a triggering word. He didn't want to be selfish. He wanted to be selfless. He wanted to help people and not be greedy. Despite what many thought, Tony was just that. He _was_ selfless. He _was_ kind. He _wasn't_ greedy.

 _Stupid_

He was a genius in the eyes of everyone except his father and for the majority of his youth, his father's approval and praise was all that Tony ever wanted. Yet he never got it. Every incredible thing he did was shot down by Howard's complaints and "It could be better" remarks.

 _Whore_

Despite what many thought, Tony didn't enjoy sleeping around as much as it looked like. Sure the first few years of his playboy image wasn't an act, but after he was taken advantage of without consent, well, he logically tried to avoid sleeping with people as much. Of course, the news didn't care and continued to belittle him for having so many one night stands because if random people tell them about something that never actually happened, why wouldn't they write about the man-whore. His father too called him a whore after reading the paper and believing it over his own son. Over time, the word became a knife. It had etched itself into Tony's body along with the countless other words that broke him. It wasn't the worse. Not at all. Doesn't mean it didn't still hurt like hell.

 _Worthless_

Perhaps that was the most frequently used word. Howard would call him worthless along with any and all of his creations. In fact, despite winning the Fourth Annual M.I.T. Robotic Design Award at the tender age of sixteen with Dum-E, Howard had taken one look at the robot and scoffed in disgust before making a mockery out of Tony's hard work.

Still, those weren't the only words dominating his list, but they were the ones that caused him the most grief and pain. They were the ones that BARF hadn't been able to fully help. He wasn't always triggered and sent into a spiral of uncontrollable tears, but they did trigger panic attacks and the occasional lesser mental breakdown.

 **—LINE BREAK—**

It was late. Or early, depending on how you looked at the time. It was 3 am, also known as Witching Hour or the Devil's Hour and personally, Tony could agree to that. Not that there was anything supernatural with him being awake. He just couldn't sleep due to his inner demons and devils screaming around in his fragile mind. Exhausted, he stumbled down into the supposedly empty communal living rooms bar, searching somewhat frantically for some form of strong-I'll-forget-everything-by-morning alcohol. He forwent a glass and merely grabbed an age-old bottle of whiskey, taking a seat on the couch, he stared unseeingly at the wall as he threw his head back and took a large swig of the burning liquor.

"Rough night too?" Tony asked moments later after a glint caught his eye, Bucky's metal arm was reflecting off of some light from where the man lurked in the shadows. The ex-assassin just grunted before taking a swig of his own bottle of vodka. "Wanna talk about it? I've heard talking's a good thing to do, not that I'd know, of course."

"You wouldn't get it."

"Agree to disagree," Tony muttered. Silence fell on them as they lost themselves to their thoughts and liquor.

Tony was neither awake nor asleep when dawn appeared and the rising sun began to blind him as colours painted the previously dark sky slowly. Bucky was in a similar state and the genius rose with a stretch, though the sergeant remained motionless. As Tony passed him a metal hand shot out and grabbed at his wrist in a strong but gentle grip.

"Your tech didn't work as well as you think." He stated staring deeply into Tony's soul,

"Of course it worked as well as I think. The BARF technology got rid of the purpose and control the words served." He ripped his arm from the man's hold and began to leave the room, "Barnes. Just because the words don't trigger the soldier, doesn't mean they won't continue to affect you. The control behind them is gone, that's what my tech was supposed to do." He stopped and turned to look at the long-haired man, "I never said it would stop the words from haunting you." Then he was gone.

 **—LINE BREAK—**

"Tony, how _did_ you know the BARF technology would work?" Bucky asked after dinner that evening. The question had been asked many times and like all the previous times, Tony merely smiled mysteriously with a shrug before standing up and going to grab a cup of coffee. The ex-assassin desperately wanted to know, to confirm his theory, but he knew the smaller man would never admit it.

 **—LINE BREAK—**

Sometimes when Bucky couldn't sleep, he went down to Tony's workshop to tinker with the cars. The billionaire was surprisingly okay with this, which was why Bucky had his own code to enter said workshop. For once, the genius wasn't in there. Several hours passed before Bucky decided to call it a night and try _desperately_ to get some sleep. As he walked towards the exit, a piece of paper caught his attention and he had his confirmation. Tony had tested the BARF tech on himself because he had made it _for_ himself. The broken man had his own set of trigger words like Bucky, only they held a different purpose. He spied a pen and knew he shouldn't, but soon, the man's hand was moving on its own accord as he scrawled on the paper before heading to bed.

 **—LINE BREAK—**

With a large yawn, Tony entered his workshop and headed to his desk to see what tasks he should do. Something caught his eye. It was his trigger list. Picking it up, he inspected it and a smile grew on his face. A small tear trickled down his cheek as he placed the paper inside his draw and got back to work. The next time he and Bucky crossed paths, they shared a small and genuine smile with each other and a simple, understanding nod.

 **—LINE BREAK—**

 _(Annoying) Incredible_

 _(Boy) Tony_

 _(Failure) Successor_

 _(Pathetic) Wonderfully Human_

 _(Nothing and Useless) Everything and Talented_

 _(Selfish) Selfless_

 _(Stupid) Genius_

 _(Whore) Experienced_

 _(Worthless) Worthy of a world that doesn't deserve you._

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 **This is annoying because strikethrough doesn't work on this site (or just for me) for some stupid reason. Basically, the negative words at the end that were on Tony's list are supposed to be crossed out but I've had to put them in brackets so just pretend they've been crossed out.**

 **Here's my tumblr if you're interested, it also has the story collages: anxious-soul**

 **Anyway,**  
 **Thank you for reading,**  
 **Hope you enjoyed this,**  
 **Please review,**  
 **No hate -don't like, don't read**

 **Bye~**


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